By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
