Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So squirting runs in the family.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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