dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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