Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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