I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
