So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
