i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
