By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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