I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
