She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize