Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
