And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
