I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
