im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
