fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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