Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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