If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
