I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
