i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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