we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
