Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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