I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
