If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
