Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
