I met the friendliest cop last night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
