Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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