i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
