Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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