I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize