I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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