No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm getting married
To pizza
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
