Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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