doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
