and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
