so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
