Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
