He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Shame is for Republicans.
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