i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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