Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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