Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
