i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
