I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
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