Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
