Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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