Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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