It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
