The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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