He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
