8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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