Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
