I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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