i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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