listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
