Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
