if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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