Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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