I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
