My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
