I think my vagina is haunted
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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