When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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