if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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