last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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