It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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