What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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